And Then There Were Two: Kera leaves us to join Merlin

Loss is never easy. Even when you expect it, which given I had a 13-1/2 year old dog with progressing kidney failure and dementia, it was expected. But never welcome. Especially on the heels of my still painful loss of Merlin just over eight months ago.

Kera was Merlin’s long time companion. He picked her and she picked him. One month into having Merlin in my life, I was set on having more than one dog. Merlin and I arrived at the shelter that I adopted him from as well as volunteered at, to pick up a dog who was to have an overnighter with us. Coming out of the back door for a walk with a volunteer was the most beautiful white puppy I had ever seen. Merlin targeted her immediately to say, “Hi.” She did the same to him. I later learned that her interest in him was the first interest she had shown in anything since she arrived at the shelter. She came from a hoarding situation and had not been socialized at all, having lived outside and barely fed.

The overnighter with the other dog did not work out, the age difference between Merlin and the potential adoptee being too great to overcome. I immediately applied for Kera, known as Daisy at the time, only to be told that I was third in line for her. Volunteer status carried no weight. I crossed my fingers and hoped. Thankfully, the other two potential adopters never followed up so a week or so later, she came home with Merlin and I.

Merlin was delighted with his “gift”. After a brief “I don’t want to share my mom” snit that just meant Merlin pretended to be the boss, they were thick as thieves. Together, they immediately wreaked havoc on my belongings. I was so besotted! But tired! Training two puppies at the same time makes working out unnecessary. They were the workout! But double the trouble also meant double the joy. Two puppies, one black, one white made my world so complete. We did everything together. Love me, love my puppies.

Fast forward a few years. A litter of foster puppies arrived. Kera chose to keep Siri from that litter. She was not a fan of puppies at all, once she grew up but she liked Siri immensely so she stayed. Kera approved Trent as well, playing with him like no other foster before him, so he remained as well. Merlin “wore the pants” among the dogs in general but Kera had final say always. If anyone got to close to her while roughhousing, look out, you would get what I came fondly to call “uggie face”. It caused even the largest scariest of dogs to back off FAST!

Kera brought so much joy to living. I have never seen a dog outside of the Lab breed enjoy eating a regular meal so much as Kera. She danced when I announced dinner. When I started them all on the raw diet, she was the reason that I never turned back. Merlin hated it at first but Kera took one look and taste and looked at me as if to say, “What took you so long?”

When Merlin was being treated for cancer, my mind was so focused on that journey that I did not immediately connect the dots that Kera’s behavior had changed a bit. Of course, they were little things then or it would have been glaringly obvious, even to me in my chaotic state. When he passed away and she walked on him smiling, when offered her chance to say goodbye, I could no longer ignore the mental decline. Enter Anipryl, the miracle drug for doggy dementia. I had my baby girl back for a while. But as the dementia progressed, it took an increasingly higher dosage for her to stay on top of things. Soon she was just focusing on knowing us when she had her pill. But that’s okay, we loved her dearly. I was happy with just having her know who we were.

But sadly, dementia was not the only condition that age brought to her. Kidney failure was diagnosed shortly after the dementia, after a multitude of tests. The administering of fluids every other day began, with great success at first. But with time, she needed more and within the last couple of months, it started to be daily. Several times in the past several months, I thought that I was going to lose her. But she always rebounded when I was sure it was time to say goodbye. Then she started to decline again. Enter phosphorous binders, courtesy of Ali Brown who had just lost Acacia, her own kidney failure dog (read more). They really made a difference for a while. I was elated again. A remote Reiki session also helped her feel better for a bit.

But you only get so many reprieves with this disease. I noticed she was having more and more trouble walking and sadly, I did not notice that she was having some trouble breathing when lying down until it was pointed it out after the second Reiki session. A couple of days ago, she stopped eating even dinner, which she had relished. This was almost immediately after her second Reiki session. The Reiki healer, who is also an intuitive, advised me that Kera felt that she had fulfilled her role of filling the space that Merlin had left. Her not eating dinner felt to me like she had given up pretense now that she had “told me” through the intuitive. I had to coax even the smallest amount into her now. I hoped that she was wrong and waited for the rebound that happened after the previous Reiki session but it never happened. But in the previous Reiki session Kera, said nothing of this.

Her last night with us, I laid with her most of the night, after being awakened by more labored breathing than usual. I thought that she had to potty and took her out but she didn’t go and it only got slightly better. I made my decision then. I could not bear to hear her suffer.

I almost changed my mind the day of her passing when she ate some lunchmeat at breakfast, smiled happily during her short walk and then suddenly decided that she was ravenous for a very early dinner that I fed her on a hunch. But lying down after dinner was revealing in her breathing and inability to get comfortable. She even let out some small sighs combined with barely audible cries. I beat myself up for not noticing this sooner. It was clear that she was tired and it was time to join Merlin.

Kera went very peacefully, with her beloved Siri and Trent in attendance on her favorite living room bed. Hospice in-home vets are worth their weight in gold. There is no way that I could have let her go on a cold metal table that would have scared her. I wanted her to feel safe where she always did. I like to think that she would appreciate that. Interestingly, after telling my friends on the internet what happened, I logged off to see a lock of Kera’s hair on the floor behind me where it wasn’t when I logged on. And then a few hours later, while getting laundry out of the washer, I found an angel pin that I had not seen in some time. One of Kera’s nicknames was angel puppy. My hope is that she was letting me know that she was safe.

But the house is so empty now. No Kera, no Merlin. No one plays here now. I like to see play. I like to see engagement. I need to figure out how to revive that with Siri and Trent. They have not played for real since Merlin left us; so keeping up their spirits is my new motivation.

Right now, I don’t even really qualify as a multiple dog household. This is so new to me. I have had at least three dogs at once for ten years now. Walks are too easy. Meals are too easy. Everything is too easy. Extra time here now is not welcome. In time, that will change but for now we will learn how to adjust and we will mourn. We will, however, never ever forget how precious the lives that we choose to share our lives with are and how much shorter their time is here than ours. But that is a pain that we bear in order to have the wonderful love that they give us. Be at peace, sweet sweet Kera and run free with your love, sweet Merlin.